Dearest Reader,
Yesterday was December 13th
which means that Charlie is now 7 months old. Throughout the last seven months
I have felt the most intense highs and lows. When I first married Brad I felt a
new sense of love and a new fear for the loss of that love, with the birth of
Charlie the love and fear have heightened. I have felt tired in a way I didn’t
think existed, being pulled at physically, emotionally, and even spiritually.
But I have not known love and joy like this. When I watch Charlie laughing at
something Brad does something inside me fills to the brim and overflows… It is
like being in the cold water all day long, to come home to a hot shower
and get into a warm clean bed. There is a new sense of home. Home is such a
strange word, I used to think it was where you were born or raised, now it is
wherever Brad and Charlie are.
Sometimes I think about how much I rely on them, and the thought of their loss scares me. It makes me realize even more that money is really only paper, or a number on a screen, and the things that surround us and so often define us (cars, drapery, tables, cushions, tv, computers, games etc) these things are just that, things. They are so often what stands in the way of real moments. It is like C.S. Lewis wrote in The Screwtape Letters, that murder is just as good as playing cards if playing cards will bring one away from God. The point is that small distractions are more often more effective in wasting our lives than anything, they rob us of moments we might have had. And the ridiculousness of it is this, that I am so willing for the distractions, that I am almost begging for another moment of mindless nothingness to come along. Doesn’t it seem silly when you think that for one hour in a day I could sit and watch an episode of my favourite program, or even a program that is mildly entertaining (sometimes not entertaining at all) instead of sit on the floor with my baby and watch him struggle to pull himself up and see his pride when he does, or sit on my husbands’ lap and enjoy talking to him about anything, or even sit in a quiet room and meditate. Instead my preference is so often to stare blankly at something that conserves no energy but only takes it (mysteriously) and then feel somehow that I have justifiably accomplished something. I know that there are times that nothing needs to be done, it is important to know how to judge those times. I wish that watching things mindlessly on the telly were all the distraction around me, but it really isn't. The internet is a very tempting distraction with Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, WOW, Pintrest, Ebay, Amazon, Games, browsing, ANYTHING! Distractions surround us like never before. It all seems so obvious to me in this moment how wasteful I can be. In the same moment Father’s teaching methods also seem obvious.
When Charlie tries to stand up, he bumps his head and sometimes wants to cry. Sometimes he needs to cry because he needs to express his hurt or disappointment, I do that too sometimes. But what is incredible about this little champ is that he rarely gets disappointed! He just gives a big smile and tries again! He was born with this character trait, I knew he was a determined little man when he was still in my belly. But here comes the analogy, I watch him and let him bump his head, I encourage him to be optimistic and try again I do not judge him for having underdeveloped muscles, but rather I praise him for trying to develop those muscles! For having the determination to keep trying even though it sometimes seems so disheartening. I am proud of my son, though it may seem to some that he has accomplished little in 7 months of life, to me he has accomplished so much and so well.
Surely Father sees us in this way. Time and again He sees how we fall into timewasting habits, knowing that time is our most valuable commodity (aside from love) but He lets us fall and is proud when we realize it! Is proud again when we make a choice to recognise the moment and change, and when we fall again he encourages us to keep trying. Our muscles are developing, and He is strong enough to step back and let us learn.
Many have said that there is no greater miracle than birth, that we are closest to heaven in this moment. I understand the sentiment, but I feel there is something lacking. Does the world get in and distract us once we get back to life? Once the baby is growing, our husbands are working and studying, we are working and raising children? What are we doing with our time? What are we working toward? And is what we are doing today supporting our goals for the future? Do we even know what those goals are? I'm not going to sugar coat it, birth is the hardest thing I have every physically done, and it's really not fun at all! I've never felt so scared for my life and the life of my baby. Whilst this does lend to moments of relying solely on God, I have had to rely on Him even more since Charlie has been living. And again, I have never known so much gratitude and felt so much joy in God's plan like I have over the past seven months.
My dad told me once that the most important thing in life is the relationships we make through this journey. I have felt for a long time that my worth was based on how hard I work, what degrees I do or don’t have, the things I have accomplished. Now I see that my worth is based on who I am and how I love. I have to say that much of my worth comes from the way Father accepts me, how Bradford loves me, and now how Charlie relies and loves us. I see flaws in my thoughts and actions, but at the moment I’m trying to picture myself learning to walk.
Bradford continues to study and work hard. He helps me around the house despite his intense schedule, and on top of that he finds time each day to tell me I’m beautiful and that he loves me. Charlie is beginning to pull himself up and shuffle along furniture, he crawls so fast!! He is an extremely happy and determined soul. I am being the best mum and wife I can be, I am learning how to care less about what others think and focus more on what me and my family need.
I am leaving you now with the first real snow of this season falling outside. There is so much to be had out of this life, we just choose what we take out of it. It truly is a choice, our choice.
God bless you and continue to remind you.
Joanna Collett
Sometimes I think about how much I rely on them, and the thought of their loss scares me. It makes me realize even more that money is really only paper, or a number on a screen, and the things that surround us and so often define us (cars, drapery, tables, cushions, tv, computers, games etc) these things are just that, things. They are so often what stands in the way of real moments. It is like C.S. Lewis wrote in The Screwtape Letters, that murder is just as good as playing cards if playing cards will bring one away from God. The point is that small distractions are more often more effective in wasting our lives than anything, they rob us of moments we might have had. And the ridiculousness of it is this, that I am so willing for the distractions, that I am almost begging for another moment of mindless nothingness to come along. Doesn’t it seem silly when you think that for one hour in a day I could sit and watch an episode of my favourite program, or even a program that is mildly entertaining (sometimes not entertaining at all) instead of sit on the floor with my baby and watch him struggle to pull himself up and see his pride when he does, or sit on my husbands’ lap and enjoy talking to him about anything, or even sit in a quiet room and meditate. Instead my preference is so often to stare blankly at something that conserves no energy but only takes it (mysteriously) and then feel somehow that I have justifiably accomplished something. I know that there are times that nothing needs to be done, it is important to know how to judge those times. I wish that watching things mindlessly on the telly were all the distraction around me, but it really isn't. The internet is a very tempting distraction with Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, WOW, Pintrest, Ebay, Amazon, Games, browsing, ANYTHING! Distractions surround us like never before. It all seems so obvious to me in this moment how wasteful I can be. In the same moment Father’s teaching methods also seem obvious.
When Charlie tries to stand up, he bumps his head and sometimes wants to cry. Sometimes he needs to cry because he needs to express his hurt or disappointment, I do that too sometimes. But what is incredible about this little champ is that he rarely gets disappointed! He just gives a big smile and tries again! He was born with this character trait, I knew he was a determined little man when he was still in my belly. But here comes the analogy, I watch him and let him bump his head, I encourage him to be optimistic and try again I do not judge him for having underdeveloped muscles, but rather I praise him for trying to develop those muscles! For having the determination to keep trying even though it sometimes seems so disheartening. I am proud of my son, though it may seem to some that he has accomplished little in 7 months of life, to me he has accomplished so much and so well.
Surely Father sees us in this way. Time and again He sees how we fall into timewasting habits, knowing that time is our most valuable commodity (aside from love) but He lets us fall and is proud when we realize it! Is proud again when we make a choice to recognise the moment and change, and when we fall again he encourages us to keep trying. Our muscles are developing, and He is strong enough to step back and let us learn.
Many have said that there is no greater miracle than birth, that we are closest to heaven in this moment. I understand the sentiment, but I feel there is something lacking. Does the world get in and distract us once we get back to life? Once the baby is growing, our husbands are working and studying, we are working and raising children? What are we doing with our time? What are we working toward? And is what we are doing today supporting our goals for the future? Do we even know what those goals are? I'm not going to sugar coat it, birth is the hardest thing I have every physically done, and it's really not fun at all! I've never felt so scared for my life and the life of my baby. Whilst this does lend to moments of relying solely on God, I have had to rely on Him even more since Charlie has been living. And again, I have never known so much gratitude and felt so much joy in God's plan like I have over the past seven months.
My dad told me once that the most important thing in life is the relationships we make through this journey. I have felt for a long time that my worth was based on how hard I work, what degrees I do or don’t have, the things I have accomplished. Now I see that my worth is based on who I am and how I love. I have to say that much of my worth comes from the way Father accepts me, how Bradford loves me, and now how Charlie relies and loves us. I see flaws in my thoughts and actions, but at the moment I’m trying to picture myself learning to walk.
Bradford continues to study and work hard. He helps me around the house despite his intense schedule, and on top of that he finds time each day to tell me I’m beautiful and that he loves me. Charlie is beginning to pull himself up and shuffle along furniture, he crawls so fast!! He is an extremely happy and determined soul. I am being the best mum and wife I can be, I am learning how to care less about what others think and focus more on what me and my family need.
I am leaving you now with the first real snow of this season falling outside. There is so much to be had out of this life, we just choose what we take out of it. It truly is a choice, our choice.
God bless you and continue to remind you.
Joanna Collett
“Prosperity knits a man to
the world. He feels that he is finding his place in it, while really it is
finding its place in him.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters
― C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters
