Lessons learnt through blue

Dearest Reader,

                Yesterday was December 13^th which means that Charlie is now 7 months old. Throughout the last seven months I have felt the most intense highs and lows. When I first married Brad I felt a new sense of love and a new fear for the loss of that love, with the birth of Charlie the love and fear have heightened. I have felt tired in a way I didn’t think existed, being pulled at physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. But I have not known love and joy like this. When I watch Charlie laughing at something Brad does something inside me fills to the brim and overflows… It is like being in the cold water all day long, to come home to a hot shower and get into a warm clean bed. There is a new sense of home. Home is such a strange word, I used to think it was where you were born or raised, now it is wherever Brad and Charlie are.
                Sometimes I think about how much I rely on them, and the thought of their loss scares me. It makes me realize even more that money is really only paper, or a number on a screen, and the things that surround us and so often define us (cars, drapery, tables, cushions, tv, computers, games etc) these things are just that, things. They are so often what stands in the way of real moments. It is like C.S. Lewis wrote in The Screwtape Letters, that murder is just as good as playing cards if playing cards will bring one away from God. The point is that small distractions are more often more effective in wasting our lives than anything, they rob us of moments we might have had. And the ridiculousness of it is this, that I am so willing for the distractions, that I am almost begging for another moment of mindless nothingness to come along. Doesn’t it seem silly when you think that for one hour in a day I could sit and watch an episode of my favourite program, or even a program that is mildly entertaining (sometimes not entertaining at all) instead of sit on the floor with my baby and watch him struggle to pull himself up and see his pride when he does, or sit on my husbands’ lap and enjoy talking to him about anything, or even sit in a quiet room and meditate. Instead my preference is so often to stare blankly at something that conserves no energy but only takes it (mysteriously) and then feel somehow that I have justifiably accomplished something. I know that there are times that nothing needs to be done, it is important to know how to judge those times. I wish that watching things mindlessly on the telly were all the distraction around me, but it really isn't. The internet is a very tempting distraction with Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, WOW, Pintrest, Ebay, Amazon, Games, browsing, ANYTHING! Distractions surround us like never before. It all seems so obvious to me in this moment how wasteful I can be. In the same moment Father’s teaching methods also seem obvious.
                When Charlie tries to stand up, he bumps his head and sometimes wants to cry. Sometimes he needs to cry because he needs to express his hurt or disappointment, I do that too sometimes. But what is incredible about this little champ is that he rarely gets disappointed! He just gives a big smile and tries again! He was born with this character trait, I knew he was a determined little man when he was still in my belly. But here comes the analogy, I watch him and let him bump his head, I encourage him to be optimistic and try again I do not judge him for having underdeveloped muscles, but rather I praise him for trying to develop those muscles! For having the determination to keep trying even though it sometimes seems so disheartening. I am proud of my son, though it may seem to some that he has accomplished little in 7 months of life, to me he has accomplished so much and so well.
              Surely Father sees us in this way. Time and again He sees how we fall into timewasting habits, knowing that time is our most valuable commodity (aside from love) but He lets us fall and is proud when we realize it! Is proud again when we make a choice to recognise the moment and change, and when we fall again he encourages us to keep trying. Our muscles are developing, and He is strong enough to step back and let us learn.
                Many have said that there is no greater miracle than birth, that we are closest to heaven in this moment. I understand the sentiment, but I feel there is something lacking. Does the world get in and distract us once we get back to life? Once the baby is growing, our husbands are working and studying, we are working and raising children? What are we doing with our time? What are we working toward? And is what we are doing today supporting our goals for the future? Do we even know what those goals are? I'm not going to sugar coat it, birth is the hardest thing I have every physically done, and it's really not fun at all! I've never felt so scared for my life and the life of my baby. Whilst this does lend to moments of relying solely on God, I have had to rely on Him even more since Charlie has been living. And again, I have never known so much gratitude and felt so much joy in God's plan like I have over the past seven months.
                My dad told me once that the most important thing in life is the relationships we make through this journey.  I have felt for a long time that my worth was based on how hard I work, what degrees I do or don’t have, the things I have accomplished. Now I see that my worth is based on who I am and how I love. I have to say that much of my worth comes from the way Father accepts me, how Bradford loves me, and now how Charlie relies and loves us. I see flaws in my thoughts and actions, but at the moment I’m trying to picture myself learning to walk.
                Bradford continues to study and work hard. He helps me around the house despite his intense schedule, and on top of that he finds time each day to tell me I’m beautiful and that he loves me. Charlie is beginning to pull himself up and shuffle along furniture, he crawls so fast!! He is an extremely happy and determined soul. I am being the best mum and wife I can be, I am learning how to care less about what others think and focus more on what me and my family need.
                I am leaving you now with the first real snow of this season falling outside. There is so much to be had out of this life, we just choose what we take out of it. It truly is a choice, our choice.
                God bless you and continue to remind you.
Joanna Collett

“Prosperity knits a man to the world. He feels that he is finding his place in it, while really it is finding its place in him.” 
― C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

Pregnancy thoughts... Melancholy

This past month has gone by quickly. We have had Benjamin, Daniel, and Samuel here to stay which was incredible! We decided to go snowboarding on a long weekend, Brad got new snowboarding boots for Christmas so of course he wanted to try it out. Unfortunately they didn’t have any boards that would fit Brads boot size, actually we can’t even order a board online for Brad, so we are going to call Burton and have them make one to size :D my husband is so cool!
We have also worked and studied hard! We work and study really hard.
            I have been thinking a lot lately about the view I, as a woman, have of myself. On facebook I see a lot of these posts by Dove which encourage women to see themselves as beautiful no matter the size or day. But again, on facebook I can’t help but also see friends, family, and posts generally of women with bodies much smaller and faces without the rings under their eyes. Doesn’t it seem cruel that one of life’s greatest battles might be our image, and yet as women become pregnant they undergo changes that are so counter to what their ‘desired’ body type would be. Is it one of those no pleasure without pain things? Important lessons to be learnt in life?
            I’m wondering how to process my facebook experiences. Did you know that the average facebook user views their facebook account five times daily? I am above average, by a lot. I’m going to confess something else too, I make a point to only put photos on facebook that are more flattering of myself. The reality is that I don’t look nearly as good as my facebook photos the great majority of the time, particularly lately.

            I wish I had the strength to start a new initiative, true photos. Maybe it would change how I feel about my image, maybe I would finally be able to be the woman I want my daughters to see. 
           I have to make a note here... 
If I had a husband who suggested I put on makeup or even lost some weight I don't know how that would affect me, I only know it would be extremely negative. But he just loves me! tells me daily how beautiful I am and how attracted to me he is. He is the best husband I never knew existed. A true friend who honestly sees me as beautiful no matter the day or size.

“Master the tempest is raging..” just some random thoughts

“Master the tempest is raging..”

            Today in church we sang this song, it stirred me so much I had to write about it. A couple of weeks ago in my New Testament class we learnt about how Christ slept as the apostles and Himself travelled across the sea of Galilee. The Apostles were so scared because they were travelling through the crazy winds that occur daily on that sea. Fearing the boat might capsize they awoke the Master and asked if He cares not that they perish? He simply notes that their faith is yet weak and calms the waves completely (this miracle compounded because this tempest is so perfectly timed on the sea of galilee to this day. It begins around 3pm and continues until the wind interaction ceases, presumably the next morning. I haven’t lived there so I don’t know exactly).
            The song says “the wind and the waves shall obey thy will, peace be still. Whether the wrath of the storm tossed sea, or demons or men or whatever it be, no waters can swallow the ship where lies the Master of ocean and earth and sky.”
Why does He so majestically control all? Beside the fact that He created this earth (we each had a hand in it, and therefore have a little control over our small sphere as is our birthright), and that he was born immortal and mortal. I feel somehow that such control first comes from within. Christ loves perfectly, and perfectly knows what he believes and stands for. Therefore, He knows exactly how to behave in every circumstance that presents itself and allows the best outcome because of these factors. He does not allow Himself to lose control, therefore He has all control and nothing and no one can ‘touch’ (for want of better word) Him without His consent.

What does that look like to me? How can I expect to control anything close to the elements if I cannot control myself? Cannot control my inner tempests or passions?

            I can only approach Christ whilst I live within His belief system? Yes, because His belief system is based on laws that were not created by Him, nor did His Father create these laws. These are laws that are eternal, having no beginning and no end. They are what all eternities and worlds and Gods are ruled by, and in order for us to have all freedoms in eternities to come, then we also must abide by these laws. We may say, “Christ’s religion is confining/dictatorial, or that He is the greatest example” in part of this we would be right, but not completely. Christ is not confining or dictatorial, He is a Teacher and teaches us how the laws work. It is not His 'confining' but the laws themselves, which cannot change and, through further study and understanding, actually bring greater freedoms (the reverse is also true. not follow such laws=confinement). He is the greatest example but His example was not just a thing to be appreciated and admired. His true purpose was one of Saviour and Teacher. He needed to teach, but the lessons were worth nothing if He also did not save. These two must have come together or all our souls would have been for Satan to command, as would have been the natural consequence of our fallen state (which was also necessary for progression).

            Today we watched a talk by Elder Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve. He emphasized that we must have ‘clean hands and pure hearts’ in order to enter into the presence of God. This is often spoken of in the scriptures. Clean hands refers to repentance, daily and often (It is not necessary to view this as sack cloth and ashes, it is true sorrow for things we know were wrong and a desire to do better. No need to dwell on these). A pure heart is described as no more desire to do evil but to do good continually.
            If we decide to keep religion simple then here we have the formula. It is surely not very difficult! To call on Christ’s example as teacher again, His ministry on earth was simple! What He taught was simple. Clean hands and Pure heart. I believe we complicate things far too much. We think of the intricacies of Christ’s gospel and almost adopt a Sadducee or Pharisee mentality, where we strain on a gnat and swallow a horse! (Completely misquoted I know, but the point is there).

            I recently learnt, again, that to communicate with Christ is not such a rare thing, nor so impossible as we sometimes think. By communicate I mean face to face as Moses spoke of and many other prophets and apostles and Layman since. I think it’s intriguing how often we bypass the words “ask and ye shall receive. Knock and it shall be open” they seem hidden in plain sight. This scripture tells us to do two things. Each requires action. If we wish to know God all we must do is ask. He will give direction (if our desire is true), this direction will most likely come in the form of doing something which requires us to become worthy to know Him better, then we ask again, another task is given, and again until we see the face of God. However, I promise, that as the process moves along experiences such as Moses had (and every other person who has been so privileged) will occur. So be aware when you ask what it is you are asking for, and the strength you will need to receive it.
            I bring this up only because Christ is the greatest Teacher, and whilst we do have His appointed Prophet and Apostles on earth today and we may perhaps “borrow from their light” if we so wish, they themselves emphasize the need to ask God if what is being taught is true! The fact is that a relationship with Christ directly is the only true way we can know if we are right before Him. He is the one who directs, and His direction is not so opaque or obscure as one might think. It simply takes a desire and dedicated time slot in our head. 

-       SELF-Control

-       Teacher, Saviour, Law abider

-       Clean hands, Pure heart

-       Know God. Ask and Knock

-       Listen and Do